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Harvard to egalitarian

Editor’s Note: Originally published April 1, 2014.

Cambridge, MA, April 1, 2014

Dr. Harvard University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced yesterday that the school will accept egalitarian admissions to promote diversity and create a university that “thinks like America”. The school will no longer prioritize students with good grades, high SAT scores, and impressive extracurricular activities. Dr. Faust acknowledged that such measures created an “elitist” and “inegalitarian” atmosphere in the college. “It is unacceptable in 2014 to favor the intelligent over the unskilled and the energetic over the lazy,” she proclaimed.

Starting next year, Harvard’s Incoming Class will have SAT scores between six hundred and sixteen hundred in order to produce a truly varied freshmen class for the first time. The class scores are similar to the distribution of scores in the United States.

This mission will go beyond the approval: “Harvard is now dedicated to the fight against thinkism in all its manifestations. Professors will no longer grade students on how well they think or write, solve math problems, or speak French. “Instead, fairness dictates that grades be awarded through lot-like elections in ancient Athens. This is the only way to ensure that students who are “better prepared for college” or “better read”, able to write and think, do not spend their grades using Harvard time to maintain their educational and intellectual privilege.

A press release states: “Harvard is now dedicated to the” differently intellectual “and” differently learned “or DIDL students.” The idea that some are “smarter” than others is a prejudice that we need to overcome. The 21st century, the era of hope and change, is an age of equality. Gone are the days when the difference between “their” and “there” was known or references to dead white European men like Goethe or Marlowe were used to uphold privileges. There is no reason to favor a candidate who has read Shakespeare since he was ten over one who has watched each episode of “Sponge Bob” fifty times.

This summer, the entire Harvard faculty will be trained in sensitivity to the needs of DIDL students. There is talk of an as yet undetermined positive action plan for “low-IQ Americans”. The Puritans who founded Harvard believed that “there is no sin but ignorance.” But they burned witches too, Harvard noted.

Unconfirmed rumors suggest the move was triggered by threats of a lawsuit by the Department of Education on behalf of the DIDL community. Dr. Facing a legal battle the university was likely to lose, Faust made a deal with Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education. . .

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